I have an ongoing 'Bucket List'and've decided to type it out. I will forever be expanding on it (in not particular order). Which only means that you have to tell me what's on yours!
Go to an airport with a full suitcase and choose my destination from the 'Departure' monitor.
Sing The Star Spangled Banner at a sporting event. (Even if it's at a school for the deaf.)
Run a marathon
Visit every place in the song, 'Kokomo'.
Be Latino
Stamp off every blank in my Passport before it expires. (Reset every 10 years.)
Start a Scholarship
Go to Cork, Ireland to see where me clan originated.
Have 6-pack abs (even if it's just for a day).
Confidently be 'fluent' en Espanol!
Fly in a private jet.
Attend the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Southie.
Bottom Line: I have a lot of traveling to do!
More than one psychic has told me I will die when I am precisely 82; which means I've still got 55 years! Checking off my 'Bucket List' will for sure happen; if Maddox Jolie-Pitt can fill his passport before his 1st "Birth"Day, I've got nothing to worry about...
On Wednesday afternoon, I gave the second half of my double to Tim and was ready to call my week to a close when a couple walked up to me with a deer in head lights look in their eyes. I can't explain the look that these tourists get but its a true reflection of them having NO idea what's going on and needing someone to give them any kind of direction. They were quite pasty and had their rafts in tow. I couldn't wait to make their acquaintance :)
"Aloha Guys, you looking to do any luaus or dinner cruises?" "We can't we're leaving today." "What time?" "We have to be at the airport by 6pm for an 8 o'clock flight." "Wanna make $100 before you go?" ( I have been doing this over a year and this has NEVER worked.) "How?" "Just come to a preview for 60-90 minutes to learn about traveling cheaper." "Well, we are definitely coming back here so we should check it out and 100 bucks is 100 bucks!" She turns to her man for confirmation. He still has NO idea whats going on.
I have fifteen minutes to get them on the shuttle and make sure they have their IDs and credit card. It's not that easy yet. I introduce myself and learn that they are Shelly and Bo from Tulsa, Oklahoma; wherever that is. Shelly is a relatively robust white women with only two missing teeth; she is a dispatcher for her local cable company. I didn't even bother trying to find out about Bo. Shelly and I proceeded with their invitation...
"When did you guys get here?" "Yesterday around noon time." "Oh, are you guys going to another island?" "Haha no, we only came for the night. We booked the trip on Monday, got on a plane on Tuesday, and here we are! - Back to work tomorrow!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. They were from Tulsa, OK. First time to Hawaii. 15 hours travel time each way. Giving me their only day in Hawaii...
"What else have you guys done since you've been here?" "We got to our hotel around 2pm yesterday, then went to "MardiGras" downtown last night. We got so 'crunked', he's been hungover all morning..." (Maybe that explains why he has NO idea whats going on?) She continued to say, "We got up this morning and got 'his' last name tattooed on our arm." They proceed to lift their sleeves and show me their "Hammer" tattoos across their biceps. (Again, imagine my facial expression)...
We get on the shuttle with four other couples whom were all talking about what they have done already and what they were going to do; some were going to Maui, others had been here for two weeks...ya know, normal Hawaii vacations...
Shelly yells to me in the front, "Ryan, I still have my husband's last name on my credit card and my other last name on my ID is that going to be a problem?" "You're married to someone other than Bo?!" Ugh, This could ruin everything, its a good thing we got this settled on the shuttle instead of at the window. ;-) Bo speaks for the first time, "No, he [her husband?] is an asshole and she is with me now." ...most awkward silence for all ten people involved... I respond, "Just show them your tattoos and it will be fine." That settled that.
They went into the preview, and BOUGHT the $6,500 package; all for $100 cash gift.
Just thought I'd share how Shelly and Bo spent their 31 hour Hawaiian vacation; went to "MardiGras", nursed a hangover, got tattoos, used a raft (or at least carried it around), went to my 60-90 mins. preview*, spent $6400 (minus their $100 gift!), and were mainland-bound before jet lag could even set in. Oh yeah, I think they got a case of macadamia nuts with their purchase. Good thing its carry-on size!
Most importantly: I made $140 and 'made vacation dreams a reality'. I love capitalism.
I just read the John Mayer article in Playboy because so many people have been talking about it; which proves people do actually read the articles! It was alright- he is pretty lame; which I think we all knew. I'd just like to remind him of one thing so I wrote him a letter. It was between this or a Haiku.
Dear John Mayer, Let me preface by saying that I think you have great talent and I usually end up liking most of your songs; I even bought your first cd. I'm still trying to figure out where you get off giving fatherly advice on raising daughters, but I will let that go...
I just need to say this: You are white. You were born in Fairfield, CT. You are arguably a WASP. Why do you think you can go around using the 'N' word?! I know, as you say, that you have a "hood pass", but just because you did a kick ass song with Jay-Z does not allow you to use that term! You also can NOT say things like this: "My penis is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fucking David Duke penis."
I know you have been shtooping around Hollywood with the likes of Jennifer Aniston and J-Sim but your bullet proof vest and $20 million dollar watch collection do not help your 'Hood Pass'. When you bust down the double doors at your high school reunion, you'll still be starring in a J.Crew ad.
Do NOT use the 'N' word again and for God sake do NOT bring Benetton into this! You're giving every other kid from an affluent suburban East Coast town a bad name. I happen to know a few :p
Just "saying what I need to say"... With Aloha, Ryan
Now that you know what my job is all about, I can speak candidly about work tales throughout my day. I was having a pretty prosperous first three hours today until I got a call from my manager letting me know that my couple hadn't yet shown up for the 10:30 preview and that I had 15 mins to get them, or another couple, in the showroom. As I was stressing out about losing the $100 in potential commission, I turned around to two African-American women looking at our brochure rack.
I asked Kaneesha and Bernette where they were from, what they wanted to do, and how long they were here for. They told me they were from Hotlanta until tomorrow at 5pm and all they wanted to do was see the "big houses on the hills". I immediately think: City Tour tomorrow from 7-noon! Done. I tell them about it and let them know it's normally $34 but I can give them two free tickets if they come with me for 60-90 mins. :)
They're so ready. I tell them we have less than 5 mins to walk a block through the International Marketplace. (For all of you who've not have had the pleasure of experiencing the IMP, it is a knick knack hell of Hawaiian crap made in China with Korean negotiators chasing you down every five seconds.) As we are trudging through, I proceed to fill out their invitation...
Me: "Are you married?" Kaneesha: "Everyone is single in Hawaii!" Me: "You have to be completely single when you get up there, take your ring off. Do you make more than $50,000 a year?" K: "Should I say 'yes' or 'no'?" Me: "You need to make more than that....Where is Bernette?"
We turn around to find Bernette buying a purple flowered suitcase. My heart stops, we have less than 2 minutes. I start letting Bernette know that we NEED to go NOW; the Korean negotiator at the kiosk wanted me dead. Over it.
Bernette: "It's carry-on size! It matches my shirt too, I wasn't going to buy it but she gave me such a good deal." Kaneesha: "Ryan, if we have to walk any further Ima kill you" Me: "We are almost there....I promise." My phone is ringing, manager calling me. I lied about how close we were :)
We get to the check-in window. Bernette is so excited about her new bag and loving the fact that I watch Real Housewives of Hotlanta. (I told her we were going to be Tardy for the Party....)
Check-in Girl: "What is your profession and yearly income?" K: "I am a home-care taker (what?!) and I make $82,541." Turns to me and smiles. Check-in Girl: "Do you have a significant other?" K: "I'm in Hawaii Heeeey-eeeey".
When they were let in and I could breathe a sigh of relief, I looked at my phone; that whole thing took 6 mins. I made $146 dollars. Sometimes I love a Tuesday morning at my job! Most times I hate it. Either way, I can't make this stuff up and can certainly not let it go unwritten! Thanks for reading!
UPDATE: I just re-scheduled the Canadian couple that originally 'no-showed' today for Thursday. All is good, eh?
I don't know how to be politically correct or how I could've incorporated this into the story but feel as if it has a major impact. Kaneesha had a complete grill of gold teeth. Full. On. Grill. I had to keep a straight face through this whole thing. Earned every penny. K, bye.
So, Scott Brown was officially sworn in this week and Ted Kennedy rolled over in his grave. I hope Scotty boy enjoys his tenure in the senate - I believe it will be very short-lived. The MA. Dems are not going to let this happen again! I believe the only reasons he won were because:
Coakley was a frigid bitch with no lips, quite possibly the worst campaigning politician in the last decade. At least Bush knew how to smile.
Massholes don't care about anyone else. Since they already have a "public option" there is no way they would be keen on funding people in Mississippi, Alabama, and every other fat person Red state.
His JFK-like physique and the fact he posed nude in Cosmo got all the mini-van driving women from Framingham to the Berkshires to fall in love.
He was endorsed by the Tea-Baggers. You can not tell me that if Obama had posed nude in a magazine that would've HELPED him! Speaking of Tea-baggers....
Let me start out by saying I am a huge fan of the Tea Bag Movement. What is there not to love?! It make me so happy that America's finest have a support group for one another. Which brings up a good question. There was a poll on CNN regarding the favor ability of the movement. It says 33% of people support the movement. I would fall in this category, is there a multiplier to factor in the sarcasm variable? :)
I watched the coverage and speech on Friday night and the Gift That Keeps Giving's speech last night. I am still digesting Palin'sspeech but had some observations about the first night's call to order. First of all, the opening speech given by a former Rep from Minnesota talked about all the people that voted for Obama. He made an inference that half the people that voted for him don't even speak English and the whole crowd cheered. Why do they have to speak English?
America doesn't have a national language, never has. If they are such constitutionalists, shouldn't they know this? These people need to either propose a bill to make English the national language or shut the bleep up; we can not allow them to spew off ignorance for their convenience. They interviewed a few people in attendance. My favorite was the man that said, "We don't need lawyers to interpret our four page constitution." I guess this means we don't need the Supreme Court anymore. He was dressed as Paul Revere.
Tickets to the convention were $550, don't worry it included dinner (your choice of beef or chicken). The best was the gift shop; for only $96 you can have your own Tea Bag pendant (in either stainless steel or gold.) Do these people not know where the term Tea Bagging comes from?! This brings me back to my previous question to CNN, what percentage of the 33% in favor of the movement are just excited to see people dressed as Paul Revere with stainless steel Tea Bags around their neck spouting out ignorance proudly calling themselves Tea Baggers?
Since I have started the blog I have had some questions as to what exactly it is that I do for work. Let me take this time to enlighten you all on my current "profession". I work for an activity store in Waikiki selling over 101 activities; however my main goal is to book people to attend a 60-90 minute vacation club preview. (The sarcasm behind this is that it takes at least three hours.) I consider it to be the best/worst/funniest job I've ever had. My goal is to convince these people to go to our preview and I can give them some free gifts e.g. $100-$200 worth of free Hawaiian activities. The greatest part of this job is that I work with a bunch of 20-30 year olds so the laughs are endless. We are, for the most part, personable, cynical, people that have escaped to Hawai'i for some reason or another; mainly because we could not deal with the idea of getting a corporate job and shoveling snow.
I am sure you can imagine the people I meet on a daily basis in this line of work. Remember, I only make money if these people agree to attend the preview. In order to be qualified you must be a couple from the US or Canada that is over 27 years old. If people don't make the requirements they are legit dead to me - I don't make a cent. I don't get paid to hear about people's days, give directions or hear about how they came from colder weather, or that they drive on the other side of the road....Don't. Care. At. All.
Although I have a multitude of people to watch my favorite is anyone that is dying inside. I don't discriminate; though I do like a nice single lady on vacation with her parents because she still lives with them (past the age of 35). This usually means the father is also dying inside because all he wants is for his daughter to move out! You would be so surprised how miserable people are on their Hawaiian vacation.
I don't even approach the Fats anymore, they want nothing to do with life; their legs have been chaffing together all day. I will also never understand people that wear socks with sandals, there is absolutely no reason for this disaster. So many people wear black socks with black sandals as if we aren't supposed to be able to recognize where the sandal ends and the sock begins. People don't know what to do when aloha shirts and sandals are put in the mix.
Needless to say, my job proves that I can talk to anyone about anything and hopefully get these people into the preview so I can get paid. I truly make vacation dreams a reality*.
*After a 60-90 mins. preview (with no scheduled activities for an hour after.)
Although I am still not blogging as much as I would like to, I am thinking of my followers (7 and counting!) everyday...and I'm getting better! If I worked in front of a computer I would definitely post more (shorter) bulletins; however I know you are all getting used to this format, right? Feel free to take an intermission. Just make sure you comment.
I've been in quite a funk for the past week or so. I think it all started when my ipod decided to die on me; I feel as if I can't count on anything anymore. How could my ipod just die on me like that, after all we've been through? The miles we've traveled? The countries I'd brought him too? Ugh, Over it.
Work has been a continuous nightmare and is making me (more) insane. After work today, I went to the gym and decided to finish my workout by running the Ala Wai; which is exactly what I needed, it completely put me in check. I had not been on the Ala Wai for 'the 6pm workout' in a bit; I usually go around 9am when it is dead. I made myself get excited for little things which totally put life in perspective. I witnessed a car pull out of a spot and a girl in another car put her blinker on and slam on her brakes in less than five seconds; she had the biggest grin on her face. Her day was made and I can totally relate - that alone gave me hope. I then saw a robust girl running, I mean pushing herself to run. Home-girl was getting a great workout; I seriously wanted to cheer her on! I took solace in knowing that deep down she is working out because of the Biggest Loser! I honestly feel like a new person after my Ala Wai jaunt. It made me almost as refreshed as The State of the Union.
I watched Obama's Speech tonight and thought it was phenomenal. I am not saying this to suggest I agree with everything he said or that he is doing an amazing job; however I do think that this speech is exactly what our country needed. This was the first time in a while he has shown his set of bullocks! He admitted his faults and charted a great course for our country. His message of America not settling for second place is bi-partisan in itself. It appeals to every single American. It appeals to AMERICA. Wake up Nascar-loving, Palin-voting freaks....he has no malicious intent. (this is me assuming Palin voters know what the words 'intent' and 'malicious' mean)...my B! His message to Congress on bi-partisanship was right on point! His locker room coach tone should resonate with both sides. He reminded them that they are in LEADERSHIP positions! They need to keep their school yard shenanigans out of D.C.
That is if they were listening...did you notice how many people were on their crackberries?!....so gauche - It was the state of the union!!! Oh yeah, does any one know if Supreme Court Justices can't clap? That would makes sense...they just looked so weird. ...Speaking of Shenanigans...
I saw The Gift That Keeps Giving and Her Spawn on Oprah last week. I drafted my thoughts but they paled in comparison to my birth mother, Chelsea Handler's thoughts. Check out, Labor Pain , this is what Ma Dukes had to say about the Palin ladies:
Bristol Palin recently appeared on Oprah, via satellite from Alaska. The good news is that she's in Alaska. The bad news is that she's still talking about her baby.
Bristol told Oprah that she has made a pact not to have sex again until she's married. I didn't understand who she made the pact with. It seems it was with herself, in which case it's not really a pact, it's just a bad idea. See: definition of pact.
Sarah Palin also popped up on the satellite and said she should have talked "more openly" to her daughter about sex, and that her family has now "learned such lessons."
This baby doesn't have a shot. Isn't it enough that his grandma is Sarah Palin, or that his dad posed for Playgirl and hangs out with Kathy Griffin, or that his name is Tripp?
Going on TV repeatedly to talk about how your kid was a mistake is probably not great for the child's self esteem. A better name for this kid would be "20 to life."
...I mean how can I compete with that? Or should I say, why re-invent the wheel? Boop.
I hope you're all having a great 2010! We're almost done with the first month. I have lost 5lbs and am loving my new workout slash eating schedule. Oh yeah, I made a $40 bet with my friend Sean Suckalouskis-Brady (sp?), I need to lose 20lbs (15 more) by May, 1st. Completely doable. EZ is finally back from Iraq where he belongs! Everything, besides work, is going well...another day in paradise! Thanks for reading!
